So, I popped over to Kink of the Week today, and what should the topic turn out to be?
So I decided to talk about bums.
Because, to my continual (for some reason) surprise, I am a bit of an Ass Lady.
I say “surprise” because (a) I’m deeply ambivalent about my own butt, and also (b) I’m not butt-oriented in general… and yet… Honestly? Three girlfriends in? I’m noticing a pattern. ‘Cause every one of them has (a) had a great ass, but also (b) had said great ass totally captivate me on many an occasion.
You know “callipygian”? “Having a shapely behind”? It’s that. All of my lady-loves have had these gorgeous, curvy, meaty rear-ends that I just want to get my hands on and my face into.
Not me, apparently.
I mean, gods know I have A Type, even if I don’t always date to it.
And yet: bodacious asses.
Tag Archive: fetish
So, I popped over to Kink of the Week today, and what should the topic turn out to be?
So I’m trying this Kink of the Week thing, and playing catch-up for the moment, since I’ve started it rather late. Today, we’re talking about Dacryphilia (tear fetish).
Look. There’s a wide enough streak of Fairy Godmother in me that I’d be lying if I said tears and sniffles had no effect on me. But I wouldn’t call them a turn-on. If my partner/bottom is crying due to a scene, I kind of feel like I must have messed up somewhere, rather than anything close to satisfaction at a job well done.
But I’ve also played with the possibility of making someone cry, and I’ve definitely made my property/wife sob due to the kind of physical stuff I was doing. (I try to avoid emotional sadism, for the most part. It’s too easy to screw up and – unlike staunching bleeding or patching up a bruise – I really, really don’t have a clue how to fix it if I’ve sent someone spiralling into a trigger that they didn’t know was there).
Crying can be, often is, seriously cathartic. I’ve been known to coax someone to tears when they were clearly holding a lot of stuff in. But I do that with people I know really well. It’s not something to be undertaken lightly, and it’s not something I’d do in a scene, any more than I’d blur the lines between punishment and “fun-ishment”.
People cry when they’re overwhelmed. When I’m bottoming (sexually), and my partner and I are working towards fisting, I’m aware that a giant crying jag is a likely side effect of getting more than three fingers into me. But so are facial spasms and random numbness in my hips and face. Tears aren’t something I try to cause during a scene. I’m not entirely sure how I’d handle it, after the initial stop-everything-and-check-in at least, if one of my victims cried.
The poster pretty-much says it all.
My lovely wife, as she’s wrapping up her title year as Bootblack Ottawa 2013, is giving a bootblacking 101 workshop this Wednesday (that’s tomorrow) at Swizzles Bar, which is on the lower level of 246 Queen Street in Ottawa.
So. If you love leather and want to know how to take care of it, or if you want to know how to protect your boots against the salt roads of the coming winter, you might want to check this one out. 🙂
I’m pretty sure the workshop is free, although do bring a donation just in case (if it turns out to be free then, hey, bonus).
Hoping to see lots of people there.
So I got the news the other day that one of my workshop proposals has been accepted for this year’s Unholy Harvest.
I will be presenting Soles, Toes, and Heels: An Erotic Introduction to Feet and Shoes.
As implied by the title, this is definitely a 101 workshop. I’ll be talking a little bit about foot and shoe fetishism plus what Midori refers to as “foot hedonism”, as well as what I think of as “the axes of desire” (masculine/feminine, feet/shoes, active/receptive… and how “top” and “bottom” run counter to their more typically assumed dynamics in a lot of foot play). Following that, I’ll be getting into the basics of various types of foot-play (the bare-bones basics of foot-massage, polish, great places to put your tongue, how to go down on a shoe, mixing feet and food, and safe ways to fuck with your feet.
Things I won’t be covering (in this workshop) include bastinado and other foot-focused forms of S/M.
I have to admit I’m excited about doing this. Partly because, duh, I’m into feet, but also because this workshop (I think) has the potential to be offered in more spaces than Unholy Harvest and for audiences that aren’t limited to queer chicks. (Not that the other ones necessarily were, but… this feels more broad-spectrum, I think).
Anyway. That’s my big news. 🙂
See you in October (I’ll be doing a take-off on Barbarella for my costume. How ’bout you?)
So here’s a thing. Sometimes I get FL messages from people – almost all of whom are male-identified – who I don’t know, who open with something like “Hello, Mistress”, or similar.
I have NO IDEA (ahaha) whether male-identified dominants get unsolicited “Hello Master” messages from female-identified subs with any degree of frequency or regularity (although I can sure-as-fuck hazard a seriously educated guess), so this is a post talking 100% about approaching dominant (or, hell, NOT dominant) women on fetlife.
See… I think “Hello, Mistress” is probably supposed to be polite.
More accurately, while I’m pretty sure the majority of people who send me this message don’t actually give a shit about “polite” because, if they did, they’d be not contacting me in the first place, as per my very clearly stated expectations(see footnote ), but I’d also like to hope that at least some of the people who send messages like that, to anybody, are trying to be polite, trying to be respectful of someone’s identification as a dominant woman, and are sincerely hoping to interact with the woman they’ve just tried to engage.
The thing is… trying to be polite doesn’t really cut it, and “Hello, Mistress” isn’t actually polite unless the adressee has the words “You will address me as Mistress” written explicitely in their profile.
So here I am, wanting to explain the reason why it isn’t polite.
Have you ever been at a bar (or a bus stop, or a grocery store, or wherever) and seen a stranger go up to someone and address her as “Hey, sweetheart” or some other term of endearment (“baby”, “honey”, “shorty”, etc) that is completely inapropriate due to the fact that they don’t know her at all?
You know how that’s creepy and entitled and presumptouous and, therefore, incredibly off-putting and gross?
This is the same thing.
When you greet a stranger with “Hello, Mistress”, what you’re actually saying to her is “I’ve already slotted you into X position in my life, and I don’t care whether or not you’re okay with that. Your agency and desire are irrelevant to me.”
Which, clearly, is an incredibly shitty way to talk to someone, especially if you’re actual goal is to be polite and respectful.
So. I’m going to take a page from Captain Awkward, and offer y’all a (completely, 100% unsolicited, I realize) script for How to Approach Someone on Fetlife.
Caveate: You can’t control other people’s responses. While using language to
try and manipulate someone into giving you what you want express your desires and make your case for wanting them fulfilled is totally normal and human, it’s also not actually guaranteed to work. None the less, treating someone as a unique individual with agency, autonomy, and desires of her own… that’s not gonna hurt your chances.
“Hi, [person’s name],
I saw on your profile that you’re into X, Y, and Z. I’ve been curious about Y and Z [for a long time / since I took a recent workshop & decided I wanted to know more / since reading that scene in Kushiel’s Dart / etc] and I’m wondering if you’d be interested in [talking about it / answering some questions / negotiating a scene] with me.
If you are, please feel free to get in touch. Also, if there’s a particular way you’d like me to address you, please let me know what it is.
Hoping to hear from you soon,
[Your Name Here]”
Now, I do have to admit to a bit of a bias here. The only person who has ever approached me like this? Reader, I married her. So clearly this works for me.
Regardless, there you have it. A handy script that is respectful, shows you’ve done rather more than just looked at someone’s sexy, sexy profile pictures, and suggests that you have some kinky interests in common, while also leaving the door open in case someone you approach actually would appreciate it if you called them Mistress during negotiations.
Modify as necessary, and best of luck. 🙂
 My FL profile says “dudes need not apply”, in an effort to cull the flow of random strangers propositioning me. I think it’s telling, and also upsetting, that damn near every woman I know who has an FL account ALSO has that disclaimer right at the top of their profile. I also think it’s telling, and even more upsetting, that there are still so many dudes who flat-out ignore that boundary and proposition us anyway. It’s fucking RUDE. Stop doing it!
 In which case chances are good that the Mistress in question (A) is a professional, in which case she’s here to find clients, not lovers, and you will be expected to pay for her services; OR (B) is potentially Lady Dommely-Domme (they do happen, occasionally) and… probably won’t be all that much fun to spend your time with. Just sayin’.
 Because we’re talking about “Hello Mistress” here.
 Yes, if their FL name is something like “Mistress Serengeti”, that’s different. Saying “Hello, Mistress Serengeti” is like saying “Hello, Josephine“. It’s someone’s name. That’s fine.
So, when I first conceived the Greater Granola Blog Project, I had expected to wind up writing “H is for Harvest” and doing a post on what-all went on at Unholy Harvest 2012. To that end, I’m dropping a Very Short Synopsis here for your reading pleasure. The longer H-prompt will be coming to you in a few hours. Stay tuned. 🙂
Harvest was awesome (big shock). I dressed up as the Prom Queen of Harvest High and sang opera (the Flower Duet from Lakme) with The Lesbian Gym Teacher. I won the “best legs” competition (and was really happy to see “legs” and “back” be up for the “best of” prize because, y’know, not everyone is hella endowed in the tits department, as a for-instance, and it was nice to see other body parts getting recognized). Ghost and I did our first-ever branding scene. I played with people other than my own girlfriend (not something I do very often, so it’s kind of a big deal for me). Ghost, along with a heap of other faboo dyke bootblacks (organized, iirc, by Tarna – YAY!), raised a heap of cash to help keep Unholy Harvest running. “Femme-ily” got mentioned during the closing ceremonies as “What Harvest Means to Me” – which I love. I pretty much cried when I heard it, because Yeah. I got some new lingerie at the gear-swap AND flirted with a cute redhead at the post-clean-up brunch. AndGhost proposed to me on the drive home, when we stopped by the side of Highway Seven to admire the Northern Lights (which I’d never seen before).
So, yeah. Short version is: Harvest 2012 was FUCKING AMAZING and I’m seriously looking forward to 2013. 😀
Okay. Originally, I was going to do a post on polyamoury… but that’s still in the draft stages (and, anyway, I can always do “S is for Sharing” or “P is for Polyamoury” or “L is for Love without Limits” or whatever… I’m not tied to “Frubbly” for this topic). Besides. My partner/servant is competing for the Ottawa Bootblack title in a little less than a month, and I wanted to squee on a related topic before it got too late.
To wit: F is for Footwear.
Now, you all know that I love footwear, and that I’m wanted my Ghost to start making boots for me. Well, my young lady has just moved that much closer to being able to do it.
See… F is also for Fluevogs, of which I have a pair. A pair with-which I am not, in any way, gentle (although I do Mind The Road Salt in Winter). My Ghost says that Leathermen wear boots like they’re show pieces, but leatherdykes? We just live in them. It means that, when my young lady was Blacking at a local fundraiser, she saw pair after pair of pretty-much immaculate boots turning up on her stand but, when she was Blacking at Unholy Harvest over this past Thanksgiving Weekend, she was doing something more along the lines of Emergency Coblery on boots that had last been seen tromping through the woods, or that needed a new heel or a re-treaded sole, or a new dye-job, or all of the above.
I am like my Sisters. I live in my boots.
Consequently, I wore through the inner lining, and destroyed the heel counter in the left one – there was just the outer suede shell left between me and the elements.
So my Ghost made anew heel cup for me. She cut a strip of leather, punched holes, sewed it together, and trimmed it, and then did reconstructive surgery on the inside of my boot. I’m right bloody proud of her. (And also happy to be able to wear my boots again, seeing as it snowed the other day. O.O)
Anyway. That’s my squee. 🙂 See you on November 9-10th for IML and the Ottawa Bootblack competition. 😀
Flagging isn’t something I do, per se (and I’m not wearing nail polish all that often, either), but I like the concept and flagging at parties – where getting propositioned is something I’m at least slightly prepared for – is a whole other story. None the less, I love the idea of flagging with nail polish.
I mean, think about it. You can essentially flag five (more, if you switch) different things at the same time. Handy! (Pun totally intended. I’m so not gonna lie).
I know that flagging developed as way of cruising under the radar when being gay was illegal. I find that, these days (in my local kinky-dykes community anyway), flagging is either something done on special occasions (see above re: Parties) or something that isn’t done literally – we talk about flagging maroon or mint, without needing the actual piece of cloth to do it. I also find that, as then, it’s a way of saying “this is what I like” – a sex-positive, desire-focussed means of communication. And I like that about it.
When it comes to specifically using nail polish to flag, there are a lot of things I like about it, not the least of which is that nail polish – no matter how many dudes are running around wearing Alpha Nail – is strongly rooted in girliness and femininity. I like that it has the capacity to be both playful and elegant. And I really like that – unlike hankies (or, say, the studded, anodized steel Everything that most “out stuff” is offered in) – doesn’t require repurposing or working around a masculine-coded item in order to communicate.
Some other elements I enjoy:
I like the use of traffic-light dots on a black background for “consent” – even if I wish this could be taken as a given, I know that “SSC” is frequently a lip-service thing rather than what’s actually going on in a given community (see the much-linked There’s a War On or Kink in Motion’s False Entitlement post for further thoughts on that one), so I’m glad to see it getting brought up in yet another way.
I like the idea of black nail polish plus blue-glitter top coat for “SM (Sadomasochism) and SM (Sex Magic)” – granted, for this one, I also like the colour combination – or that I can do something like a french manicure feature black nails with different coloured tips – purple, maroon, crimson, hell, mint green on rare occasions. (I’d love to know if there’s a colour (raspberry? something?) for hand-fucking that doesn’t necessarily go all the way to fisting… or is red just fine for that?)
I like that I can do a coral nail (lucky me, my sweetie has coral polish already!) on each hand because I’m a switch when it comes to feet, but can use black as a base-coat only on my left hand (which, conveniently, leaves my fucking hand relatively polish-free… a non-issue when gloves are in play, but I still feel better about it and, hey, heavily/dark polished nails look better when they’re long IMO).
I like that you can get those stick-on bits of nail bling – actual patterns like black-and-white checkers or houndstooth – or do them yourself (like these tutorials for skull and crossbones, if you’re into roll-play).
So, yeah. Flagging with fingernails. I like it. 😀
 Part of that is because it chips quickly (possibly because I don’t use top-coat, or possibly because I spent all day tapping away at a key-board), and part of it is because I stick my fingers in my girlfriend’s mouth often enough that I don’t want her to end up swallowing flecks of polish (that can’t be good for her).
 I’ve got quite the wee rant in my head about how, with women, “masculine” tends to be waht signifies “queer”, and how feminine isn’t “recognizably” femme unless it also includes some element of masculine-coding (like unshaved pits, army boots, or even heavy tatooing, paired with that sun-dress and lacy bra).
My servant is a leather worker by avocation – she’s a boot-black and general leather-footwear repair-woman. She’s kept at least one pair of my boots on life-support for years and her goal (one of them) is to (eventually) make custom boots.
Obviously, she’ll be making custom boots for me (:-D) before she goes Public (and, y’know, after). But that’s a ways off at this point.
The first trick is to learn how to make boots.
So far, I’ve been able to find her one book – a reprint of an Edwardian (iirc) coblery manual (making very boring men’s dress shoes) – on the subject. It’s something, but it’s not actually all that useful, given the kind of footwear I want. (If you’ve ever seek Kinky Boots, you know what I mean).
That said, my Ghost is a smart cookie who knows how to work garment and boot leather (repairs) already and has plenty of experience working with blueprints.
Also, honestly, building a garment for your foot isn’t that hard. Building a Really Good Garment for you foot is probably more difficult, but bulding something functional and wearable? I’ve done it. (Once, but still — I made myself a pair of boots out of fabric one year and stitched them – badly – to a pair of soles that I cut out of a set of boots that were cut All Wrong for my feet).
That said, here’s a handy video that shoes the general idea (I think it’s actually an ad for a shoe-making course, but it gives you a bit of a run-down):
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, then there’s the second trick: Which is knowing where/how to obtain soles in my size. I have Very Big Feet. Size 13-14 (or size 45, depending on where you’re at).
Conveniently, my Ghost knows her way around a wood shop (to put it rather mildly).
(Relevant backstory: A couple of weeks ago, I bought a pair of fabulous shoes (which I totally wore to the play party at Spring Fling this past weekend). They have thick, cork soles. This got me Thinking).
Perhaps my Ghost could make me some properly-sized shoe soles out of poplar, tulip poplar, or willow (which, according to this article about clogs, are traditional materials for wooden Dutch clogs).
I feel like, frequently, the upper-and-insole of a shoe or boot can be make almost like a very structured sock – icluding cushioning for the footbed and everything – the whole of which is then glued to a sole like these ones:
Which – one hopes – results in footwear like these (all of which I would wear in a heartbeat, fyi):
By the looks of things, many wooden-soled shoes have the upper decoratively nailed to the sole, like these ones:
I don’t actually know if that’s decorative trim or if the upper is actually held on (in part) in this fasion. I think it’s partially dependent on whether on not you’re dealing with a sandal. My thought, though, is that if a “decorative” trim like that is also firmly part of the upper, it will help to keep the sole connected to the upper if the nails are more than just deocrative heads.
This video shows how to “make a shoe” (not one you can wear) by covering a pump with plastic wrap and then increasing the structural stability by covering it with packing tape. (Just watch the video, you’ll ge the gist pretty quickly).
As far as making a wearable shoe goes, it’s useless. BUT for making a last? It’s perfect.
After you have your shoe-form made (and well-shored up with duct tape and similar), fill it carefully with plaster of paris and let it harden. You could just as easily do this by shaving your legs and duct-taping over a pair of dollar-store nylons while resting your heels on a block/tealight-holder/cup of the right height.
Since wooden shoe-soles tend – going by the pics I found anyway – to be chunky/platform style, One might use a three-inch heel “slope” (set your heel on a three-inch-high block) if one wanted a 3.5″-4″ (or higher) heel, since the sole under the ball of the foot would be 0.5″-1″ thick.
My thought is that Ghost could make me wooden shoe soles like the various ones pictured above (sticking to a single, easy-to-walk-in heel-height – ~3″ – and pattern, to begin with), afix rubber treads and caps to the parts that come into contact with the ground (possibly by cutting half-soles to fit?) and then glue leather “socks” to the soles, complete with a functional-yet-decorative nail-head (actual nales) trim that would act as a secondary fixitive to keep upper and sole together.
Anyway. That’s my thought. I look forward to helping my Ghost persue her goal and, incidently, to reaping the benefits of (a) have a custom cobler (haute shoe coture for moi! ZOMG!) On Staff and (b) getting to be her spokes model if/when she decides to open for business. 😉
 The soles were totally fine, but the actual cut of the boot was too shallow across my instep, which meant they cut off the circulation to my foot. Very Bad Situation. So I hacked them up and made something custom-cut. YAY! 😀