So. It’s been a while. Things are heating up around here, what with VERSeFest, numerous modeling gigs, the upcoming No More Appologies conference (Ottawa edition), and my impending trip to the Maritimes. BUT I wanted to chatter about something:
I recently picked up a copy of Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path. It’s a book about the use of BDSM in NeoPagan ordeal rituals. (As such, I’ll probably end up talking about it on Urban Meliad as well).
I got this book because I am trying, to use an already-overused phrase, to “get my groove back”, S/M-wise.
I’m finding that I only Play Hard – or do actual scenes as opposed to “one-sided rough sex” (as we’ve jokingly called it) – once or twice a year, typically in a public setting. And I have some recurring worries about how safe it is to do public blood play (in a venue where, for example, other people are also doing blood play, flogger-falls are whipping through the air, and everyone’s fluids are flowing).
Beyond that, though… waaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond that… I want my monster back.
I feel like – Well, it’s like anything that’s hooked into one’s sexuality: Insecurities, fears, and lack of practice, can become a self-perpetuating cycle. I value my Ghost. I don’t want to damage her. But my sadistic side does want to damage her (and my carebear/mommy side is more than a little horrified when I see the damage I inflict). I worry that our appetites aren’t as well-matched as they once were, that I’ll be worn out and/or overwhelmed by the time it’s starting to get good for her. I worry about being too easy. I fall into the mental trap of feeling like “you-want-fries-with-that-flogging?” because my fears about not being good enough, not being vicious enough, are putting a hell of a damper on my own enthusiasm for S/M.
I’ve spent something like two thirds of this past year thinking really, really hard about O/p and 24/7 power-exchange dynamics – about how to be a responsible steward, about how to run a submissive effectively and efficently and concientiously… and I’m wondering if my sadistic side has suffered for it at all.
When I told Ghost that I’d bought a book called “The Ordeal Path”, she looked at me askanse and said “What are you going to do to me??”
But I didn’t buy it as a how-to for what I could do to/for her.
I bought it because I needed to find another way to hook myself back into myself, to bring myself back, to let my monster surface again in a situation where it’s okay to be violent and enjoy it, rather than having her come out when I’m feeling angry/threatened/protective about something that (often, though not always) is related to D/s rather than S/M.
I want my monster back.
I’m hoping that, through reading this book, I’ll find a way of calling her up and out into me again.