So I have a sweetheart.
Or, more accurately, I have a shiny-new sweetheart in addition to the pre-existing sweetheart who is my lovely wife.
As it happens, my lovely wife has a shiny-new sweetheart, too.
And, oh hey, our respective shiny-new sweethearts are, in fact, the same person.
I am, effectively, married to my own metamour.
This does not suck, I don’t mind telling you. 😉
I could, I suppose, have introduced this topic by saying “We have a sweetheart”. I mean, we do. The three of us have quiet-evening-in kind of dates together fairly frequently. But our mutual sweetie didn’t sign up to date a couple. She signed up to date two individual people who just happen to also be dating each other.
I have to admit that having NRE with someone with-whom my wife is also having NRE is… kind of wonderful. It makes some stuff (I suspect) a lot easier. Like, I have zero qualms about inviting my new sweetie to stay for dinner again without checking in with my pre-existing sweetie about it because I know damn well that my pre-existing sweetie is swooning over the same person, and doing so just as much as I am.
Convenient? Why yes. 🙂
If this was a different situation – like, say, the one my wife is in the majority of the time – and I had a new sweetie who wasn’t also dating my live-in partner, I suspect I’d have to balance and juggle a lot more. There’d be negotiations around how many nights I spent at home, versus having sleep-overs with my new honey, versus how often it would and wouldn’t be okay for my New Person to be over when my wife gets home. I know I’d be (perhaps unnecessarily) a lot more anxious about things like how much one-on-one time my pre-existing partner was getting and whether or not it was enough, versus the same for my shiny-new partner. As it stands, climbing into the pool of “active polyamoury” in this particular way is, so far, remarkably lovely. I mean, it’s been a little over a month, more or less, so this is still very new. But it’s been relatively angst-free and we’re all enjoying the Not Rushing, the knowing that we have time to explore and bond at leisure. None of us is looking at this like it’s “just some fling”, and that’s remarkably reassuring.
Something (one of many things, I’m sure) that I want to keep sight of, as the three of us move forward together, is that while, yes, our Person (who has a primary of her own, fyi) is “dating a couple”, my wife is also “dating a couple”, and so am I. A couple who will have (and will need to have) dates and sleep-overs and such-like without me tagging along. I don’t want to fall into the trap of thinking that, just because one of the couples in this trio has a marriage certificate, the other two couples don’t exist or that they need less time (and energy, and attention) to develope and nurture their respective relationships.
So. There you go. I’m no-longer the most monogamous poly-person I know.
Let’s see where this takes us. 🙂
 I admit that I’m guessing here. My lovely wife is a pretty laid-back individual who has a mile-wide compersion streak built right in. But that doesn’t mean she’d necessarily want to hang out socially with my sweetheart all the time, particularly not after a long and possibly frustrating day of Dealing With People at her day-job.
 As opposed to “passive polyamoury”? You know, the kind I’ve been doing for the past six years, where I’m dating only one person but said one person has multiple partners at a time.
 For, admittedly, a given value of “free” that takes into account the fact that “angst-ridden” is my default state and, also, that our Person is moving cities in a couple of weeks, and I’m kind of expecting an angst-fest of missing our girl once she’s headed on her way. We’ll see how we do in terms of navigating that one, but hey. 🙂 It’s not like she’s ditching us, we’ll just be living in different towns. We can all handle this, right? We can totally handle this.
Married to My Metamour – Adventures in Poly Dating
So I have a sweetheart.