So… I’m kinda-sorta one of those “radical home-maker” types who is trying to eat more locally-grown (wild-foraged or farmers’-marketed or product-of-the-Ottawa-Valley or garden-grown, which-ever is available at the time) food, do more home cooking, and get better and better at the Domestic Arts that a lot of my mother’s cohort (read: mostly white, mostly middle class[1], mostly more-than-high-school educated) walked away from as soon as they had the opportunity[2].
I’ve been edging towards this for the past 10-15 years, so it’s not exactly anything new for me. Though my skill-set has grown exponentially in the last three or four years and I’ve learned that this stuff that I do actually has a Hip, Activisty Movement Name and isn’t just “Ms Syren is a Big Ol’ Hippie under all that leather and high heels”.
But I have to tell you: I am a LOT more comfortable with my rather house-wifey inclinations and financial dependence (yes, really – even now, my Servant makes the lion’s share of our household income) on my spouse now that said spouse is a woman. It takes a lot of the “Am I a bad Feminist” guess-work out of the situation[3].
I mean, yes, it’s very possible that, had my first spouse been a very different person who I could talk to and trust rather than be slightly afraid of, being house-wifey with him wouldn’t have included so many fears about not having money (or enough money) that was “mine” in order to pay my rent myself if it came down to it. But I don’t know if I wouldn’t have struggled with the “bad feminist” feelings, none the less.
I’m bringing this up because (A) I’ve been reading a lot of Eco-Frugal Mama blogs (see blogroll on Urban Meliad for details) – well, for a given value of “a lot” (in my case, I think this means “two”); and (B) I’ve been chatting with people about the notions of “having it all (or not)” and “what do we really, really WANT” and “risk taking vs risk-mitigation” and a whole bunch of other stuff… and this reluctance to rely on one’s (male) partner for specifically feminist reasons keeps coming up.
Does anyone else struggle with this stuff?
Anyone working from home and having difficulty *not* thinking of themselves as *also* the default house-keeper (yes, gotta put in my eight hours at the job, but also gotta make sure the vacuuming and the laundry get done, and that dinner’s on the table by six)? Anyone else feel like (to site my own occasional struggles) working on their novel plus hustling for (and doing) freelance work plus making most meals from scratch = “doesn’t have a real job”? anyone in that boat feeling that the situation is compounded by the gender of their real-job-having partner?
Do chime in. 🙂
TTFN,
Ms Syren.
[1] My mom is a farm-kid, so I’m not entirely sure she qualifies, up-bringing-wise, though she definitely does now.
[2] Not that I blame them. Feminism is all about Having Options and the option of making your own money and being able to hire someone else (who is making her own money) to do the cooking, is just as valueable as the option of growing and preserving a Winter’s worth of tomato sauce and frozen veggies – because you know how to do it (in the garden, in window baskets, through bartering, etc) so that you don’t have to pay someone else to do it for you.
[3] You know what I mean. It’s the same stuff that has us second-guessing ourselves when we like being kinky-submissive to men (or at all), or when we’re sadistic dykes grappling with the notion of “I hit her because she was asking for it” as potentially being anything other than a really, really horrible justification for abuse.
Gender Dynamics and Radical Home Making
May 25, 2013
syrens 
I’m a bit of the opposite in a similar situation. I’m the breadwinner of the household and my husband works part time outside of the house and part time inside of the house. He basically does all the “typcial” housewifey stuff from cooking to cleaning to caring for our animals and soon he will be taking care of our twins. I know for him it was a mental struggle to not work at all – and I think that mostly stems from notions of what “men” should be doing. It took us about, er, 12-15 years to really figure out a dynamic where we were both happy.
For us – I work outside of the home because I feel very comfortable and confident doing that. If I were to take care of kids and the house I would feel really insecure and probably give up on any given day in frustation. For Aaron – he is an amazing caregiver. It is totally in his DNA. He loves cooking, animals, babies, and helping people. Because of this he’s incredible at it.
For BOTH of us – we really value having a cozy, simple home and family life above everything else. So to do that it just came down to figuring out where we’re both comfortable. I earn the lion’s share of income cuz I feel like my skill is earning money and Aaron works part time in a paid roll (this is important to him), and then works part time in a non-paid roll.
He felt guilt for a long time for not being more of what society thinks a man should be. It doesn’t help that we also – always – get loads of jabs our way about me “wearing the pants” or Aaron being “my servant” – which is totally not the case at all!
It’s amazing what kind of rolls even people my age try to impress upon us.
Anyway – I think it would be interesting for him to chim in on all of this but he’s not prone to being prolific in writing. Too bad we’re not in the same city!
Yes, guilt at not being the breadwinner, being more of an economic liability. would rather create food than what you can buy but would rather not spend creative time cooking. we divide household chores but a complex over the bind of what i contribute non-monetarily. women shoukd get equal pay. feel I’m contibuting to the problem or incapable rather than choosing another economic model.
I am not a natural homemaker AT ALL and my partner, who is a woman, also isn’t — but whenever one of us is out of a job or studying instead of working, the one without a job takes on all the housework (except cooking – my partner does not cook, period). Right now we’re both working 8 h/day jobs, but my partner’s taken on most of the cleaning and laundry because I’ve been spending my weekends studying for entrance exams.
I used to be the cook by default, but I honestly can’t be bothered anymore, so for the past few months we’ve been eating big lunches during work and eating whatever in the evening. That’s not good, especially since I go for cheap, unhealthy stuff for lunch. I just… argh, I hate cooking, and it’s just as expensive as eating out, and it never tastes good and I can’t be bothered to make it taste good! Please do not respond to this with cheap easy recipes. I don’t even want to think about cooking.
I would love it if I didn’t have to go to work to earn money, and could instead focus my energies on things that seem meaningful to me, but I wouldn’t want to rely on someone else for money. Even when I couldn’t work, I felt guilty over my dependency on my partner, which manifested in me being overly solicitous, always trying extra hard to make everything comfortable for her. I didn’t like it, and even having all that time to myself I hardly did anything with it. I’m more actively pursuing things I find meaningful now that I am actually working again. I don’t know why it works out that way. Maybe I was too wrapped up in guilt to move, but that’s a hindsight diagnosis and therefore unreliable. Maybe I just was lazy.
But I would really HATE to be financially dependent on someone who has a lot of money and keeps making me ask for it. With our situation, I used money from our savings and then money from my partner’s account for groceries and didn’t buy anything much for myself because we were both on a budget. I never had to beg, or be graciously given, in order to keep the household going and myself clothed. If that had been the case, I might have packed up and gone back to Finland right there.