Having finally figured out how to voluntarily resize websites – as opposed to the Random nonsense that’s been going on for months – I can actually see what I’m typing on here and may manage to get back to posting regularly (real posts, I mean, rather than super-short PSAs).
I’ve got a post in the works that is somewhere between an essay and a poem and, honestly, I’m hoping it ends up a poem.
Specifically the bit around 9:00/9:40 where she says “I’m scared, because I don’t want to hurt someone”. Or words to that effect.
I’ve said stuff like that. Plenty of times.
And I think there’s a heap of stuff burried in those words.
– Suspecting that I’ve got more Shit to work on than I’m happy about
– Fearing the unknown depths of said suspected Shit, as well as how long it will take to work out if I start digging into it
– Abject terror at the possibility that I might be a Bad Person because of what said suspected Shit might be
– Fear of being rejected by people I like/respect/love/admire/etc if said suspected Shit comes to light, particularly if it comes to light as present-tense rather than “once upon a time, in the past, I thought that Blah Blah Blah, but I’ve smartened up and don’t believe that garbage anymore”
I think “I’m scared, because I don’t want to hurt someone” – in my case, at least – means:
“I think I still have Stuff to work out, and it’s not [your] job to support me while I work it out, but I don’t know what’s in there, and I don’t know how long it’ll take, and I don’t want to stop hanging out with you while I deal with it… and I don’t want you to stop liking me, and I’m afraid that if I do something stupid, or if you find out that I’m not as good/with it/clueful as I think you think I am, you will stop liking me really fast”.
And I think there’s a poem in there, somewhere, and I’m hoping I can find it.
Anyway. That’s where I’m at.
Coming up on my events radar:
Tomorrow: Radical Handmaids on Parliament Hill
This Weekend: Spring Fling 2012 – Kinky (mostly) Dykes event in Montreal.
May 12th: Come as You Are Rainbow Youth event in Pembroke.
 There is just a slew of stuff you can pull apart in that, some of which – like not wanting to hurt your friend/date/neighbour by saying something unintentionally/carelessly hurtful – is legit; and some of which – like wanting to maintain (the appearance of?) Ally Status at the expense of Actually Doing the Work – is not okay.