Having finally figured out how to voluntarily resize websites – as opposed to the Random nonsense that’s been going on for months – I can actually see what I’m typing on here and may manage to get back to posting regularly (real posts, I mean, rather than super-short PSAs).

I’ve got a post in the works that is somewhere between an essay and a poem and, honestly, I’m hoping it ends up a poem.

It has to do with April 14th’s No More Apologies conference, some of the stuff that came up in the Cis Women’s Caucus, and this video (Tara Hardy’s performance at Girl Talk 2011):

Specifically the bit around 9:00/9:40 where she says “I’m scared, because I don’t want to hurt someone”. Or words to that effect.
I’ve said stuff like that. Plenty of times.
And I think there’s a heap of stuff burried in those words.

Stuff like:
– Suspecting that I’ve got more Shit to work on than I’m happy about
– Fearing the unknown depths of said suspected Shit, as well as how long it will take to work out if I start digging into it
– Abject terror at the possibility that I might be a Bad Person because of what said suspected Shit might be
– Fear of being rejected by people I like/respect/love/admire/etc if said suspected Shit comes to light, particularly if it comes to light as present-tense rather than “once upon a time, in the past, I thought that Blah Blah Blah, but I’ve smartened up and don’t believe that garbage anymore”

I think “I’m scared, because I don’t want to hurt someone” – in my case, at least – means:
“I think I still have Stuff to work out, and it’s not [your] job to support me while I work it out, but I don’t know what’s in there, and I don’t know how long it’ll take, and I don’t want to stop hanging out with you while I deal with it… and I don’t want you to stop liking me, and I’m afraid that if I do something stupid, or if you find out that I’m not as good/with it/clueful as I think you think I am, you will stop liking me really fast[1]”.

And I think there’s a poem in there, somewhere, and I’m hoping I can find it.

Anyway. That’s where I’m at.

Coming up on my events radar:
Tomorrow: Radical Handmaids on Parliament Hill
This Weekend: Spring Fling 2012 – Kinky (mostly) Dykes event in Montreal.
May 12th: Come as You Are Rainbow Youth event in Pembroke.

Ms Syren.

[1] There is just a slew of stuff you can pull apart in that, some of which – like not wanting to hurt your friend/date/neighbour by saying something unintentionally/carelessly hurtful – is legit; and some of which – like wanting to maintain (the appearance of?) Ally Status at the expense of Actually Doing the Work – is not okay.