It’s hard to be the boss.

I’m saying this from a perspective that very much includes non-D/s-related situations.

I make a fantastic entrepreneur – I’m really, really good at doing it all myself (or at least I like to think I am) while being my own boss. But I utterly suck at delegating things, at saying “I next X, Y, and Z to happen by thus-and-such a date, and you’re going to do them, and I leave the ‘how’ up to you”.

While, within my dynamic, my Ghost is slowly changing my mind on this, in most situations a huge, deep part of me really, really doesn’t believe that anyone is going to come through for me. (I’m sure any number of you reading this were That Kid who always ended up doing 100% – or close to it – of the “group” project. Welcome to my boat, let me show you it). This thing where I’m supposed to trust other people with Getting’ Things Done? A new and terrifying experience.

Unfortunately, I think this attitude/belief/whatever is one that breeds a certain kind of martyrdom. The kind where you burn yourself out doing All The Things, grumbling all the while, but never actually delegating anything because you don’t actually trust anyone to both say Yes and actually follow through and get stuff done on time and well. The kind where you preemptively organize your own birthday party every year and then secretly feel mopy and let down because no-one planned you a surprise party in spite of it[1], the kind where you take on the house work and hate every second of it but tell yourself that if you don’t do it, no-one will.

It’s not a good place to be, and it’s an even worse place to be when you’re The Boss in a power-exchange dynamic because you (ha — I) end up NOT asking for things, NOT expecting things, and just generally not Using Your Words – in a situation when you have cart-blanche to use those words, fyi, and your Person is really hoping you’ll do so – and feeling resentful or hurt or sad about it even though you’ve basically brought it on yourself.

So what do you (meaning I) do about this?

In my case, I have to stick with Using My Words. If I want something to happen, I have to say as much, and if I want something to happen and am worrying (because I am a fear-addled beast much of the time) that giving me what I want is going to be massively inconvenient for my Person… I have to ask for it anyway. Which is a hard one. I feel a little bit sick to my stomach every time I ask her to actually go out of her way for me over a specific Thing. But I’m only going to get comfortable with Being Demanding if I actually bloody do it. (I guess it’s like writing, or doing yoga, or anything else: It’s a habit/practice, and you have to get into it if you want to keep it up and get good at it).

Anyway. That’s where my head is at right now.

Ms Syren.

[1] Which, seriously: My birthday’s coming up and I just sent out the party invitations, so I feel like I need to add a disclaimer that, no, I’m not hankering for a surprise party this year. That said, I do feel like a passive-aggressive douche for even saying that one, because gods know I actually *would* love a surprise birthday party, but saying so out loud feels like either shooting myself in the foot, if I don’t get one; or… topping from the bottom(???) if I do. Awkward… Anyway, moving right along…