So, as part of our dynamic, my Person writes journal entries for me. No really: Other people take pain they don’t enjoy as a service/offering to their dominants; for her, it’s writing journal entries. The other night, I asked her to write about what she fears most about me.

Which, I can’t help thinking, looks like the kind of thing that the Evil Emperor of Planet Zvok would ask of a minion when he wanted to feel spiffy about himself.

I didn’t get the kind of answer I was expecting. I’d asked the question because I wanted to find out the areas of our relationship where she had trouble trusting me and/or the places I could take our relationship that would most likely turn out to be a struggle for her. (With that in mind, and knowing that she’s not going to beat around the bush about things, I think I probably need to make my journaling-questions more specific).

What she told me, on the other hand, was that she was most afraid that my own fears would get the better of me and I would end up letting them hold me back.

This is a valid concern on her part. She spent most of our first year together “on the launch pad” of our power-exchange, waiting for me to step up, take control, and start really putting her to use.

So maybe something I need to ask myself is: What scares me about myself as a dominant?

And, okay, yes. The short answer is “every goddamn thing” – I’m afraid of asking too much AND I’m afraid of asking too little. No wonder I catch myself feeling paralyzed sometimes.

The only thing for it, I think, is to keep myself moving but to do so without being rash about it at the same time.

Anyway, that’s where my head’s at right now.

TTFN,
Ms Syren.