This weekend, I have tried stepping up the “control” aspect of my D/s relationship with my partner.

By “control” I mean: Doing things to/with her body because I wanna, rather than because she’s given me some indication that she wants/needs me to.

This has included getting more on top of things with regards to making sure she’s getting her chores done, but has also included just generally demanding to be pampered (lotsa foot-rubs! Woo-hoo!), and having sadistic fun with her body because I feel like it.

I find myself kind of feeling a need to justify this. (Part of me is wondering if I just step things up every six months or so and that’s just how my “Dealing with Dominance” internal schedule works, BUT…)

Basically, I want to say things like:

I got her to rub my feet multiple times today. But I also know she enjoys rubbing my feet.
OR
Yes, I told her to roll over so that I could beat on her ass. But I also picked out a dogging bat (I think it’s called — like a short, broad riding crop?) that I knew she could handle for a long time, rather than going for something that would require a lot of Processing when she wasn’t necessarily Into It from the get-go, and I fucked her good and hard (which, yes, I totally enjoyed, but) which was something she’d specifically asked for, mid-way through the beating.

It’s a weird thing. I think it’s a bit like… Like when I hit her with the belt at a play party a few weeks ago. We’d discussed it before-hand, and we both had a good time with it, and by the time we got to the belt? I was riding right on the edge of my own envelope and I felt sick — possibly because of the energy that was riding around because of it, but also possibly because I was so close to my own edge (once upon a time, I had a driver’s license, and at one point, I was driving the car at about 140km/h. Which for some people is no big deal, but for me was stupidly – very stupidly – fast. I could *barely* control the car going at that speed. I dropped it down to 120 pretty damn quickly, fyi, but: using the belt on her, right then, felt like driving at 140. It felt like I was going as hard as I could go without spinning out of control into territory that was very dangerous for us both).

And this is like that. Not in the sense of “I feel like I’m going to be sick”, but in the sense that I haven’t been this… been this “pushy” for this long (all of a day and a half?) before and been able to keep it up.

I’ve been taking care NOT to ask her opinion/permission (as much) about things. Because I know little things like that – like saying “I think X course of action would be best right now” rather than saying “What do you think of following X course of action?” – makes a big difference.

Part of why I’m doing this is that I know that having someone, having me, be The Boss Of Her is an anchor for her. But… Look, earlier today, she was working on my feet and she asked if she could stop and relax and my response was “But I like this.” which, of course, meant that she wasn’t allowed to stop and relax.
However, as soon as that was out of my mouth, I was laughing myself silly. Because I couldn’t believe I had the audacity to do it.
But I did have the audacity — or the entitlement, or whatever — to do it.
Which I didn’t have two months ago.
So… I think something is changing. And maybe I’m able to do that, to be that entitled, because I think it’s something she needs me to be right now. But, still. I’m wondering if I’m taking another step forward along this road.

– Cheers,
– Ms Syren.