I’m collaring my girlfriend/servant.
It basically occurred to me some time in late February (or maybe very early March) that it was time to do this.
She knows, and she’s very happy about it. YAY! 🙂
Something she asked me – wisely, I think – was to tell her what the collar meant. Which meant I had to sit down and concretely work out how to articulate that.
I spent a lot of time trying to sort out what “collar” (and “service” and “domme-ness” and what-not) meant to me outside of the context of our romantic partnership. And it was really frustrating because it wasn’t working.
And then I figured out why it wasn’t working. (The following is basically a summary of what I told her a couple of weeks ago, in answer to her question).
See. I can’t look at our service relationship without also seeing our romantic relationship. We got to know each other in part because she was at my house two nights a week doing dishes and we did a lot of talking and hanging out after the chores were done.
My reactions to watching her work were a mixture of gratitude, friendliness, affection, and desire. A mixture that surprised me and, before we started dating, kind of freaked me out. It was just supposed to be a straight-up service relationship, right?
I fell in love with her (and in lust with her) after she became my servant, and I think our romantic partnership works as well as it does in part because of our service relationship. There are never any fights about who’s turn it is to do the dishes when it’s been her Duty since before we started dating.
Once I figured out that I can’t look at our service relationship without considering it within the context of our romantic partnership, it got much easier to talk about and articulate.
What does it mean for me to put a collar on my girl?
It means permanence.
I don’t know if I could continue to accept her services if we stopped dating. I know that’s how our service relationship started out, but I don’t know if I could go back to that in a way that was emotionally healthy for either of us.
Consequently, I was hesitant (that’s putting it mildly) to make the service relationship officially permanent before I felt confident in the strength and likely permanence of our romantic partnership. Beyond needing to understand the nature (and legitimacy) of my own dominance (both what I get out of it and what my job-description is, so to speak), and how that nature plays out (and needs to play out) within our relationship dynamic, this was the main thing holding me back from collaring her.
And now I’m sure. 🙂
We’ve talked about it. We’ll likely talk about it some more. We both know that we each have an out, that if everything goes pear-shaped and one or both of us just aren’t happy anymore to a point where we can’t fix it together… we both have the option of ending it. But our relationship – with all its many facets – feels strong and secure, and I don’t think either of us will be taking that out.
Because of this, I feel safe and confident that our service relationship will remain comfortable and will be able to last. As such: I am ready to collar my servant. [EDIT: The official collaring happened on Saturday, May 7th, at Spring Fling 2011. /EDIT].
 FYI: Household chores are a HUGE button for me. When someone else is doing the cleaning, I feel loved and taken care of. When I am cleaning up after someone else – or watching someone else not taking their turn with the dishes, for that matter – I feel put-upon, oppressed (as a woman and/or a femme and/or a nurturer), taken advantage of, and really, really, REALLY resentful. Having a service aspect to our relationship has meant that a lot of my buttons are just not an issue in this relationship. It’s astonishingly wonderful!